Birds & Bees have nothing on me!

And here we are again!  Funny how we keep meeting up here.  We should watch it though.  People WILL start talking!  They always do!  And thanks, I've always wanted my own personal stalker -_-

Today's mess is brought to you by boobies & butts.  Kinda makes ya wonder if you really even wanna go any further, doesn't it?  Trust me, I understand!!

This morning I had to go to the doctor because my feet have been hurting me for over a year.  This is the 2nd time in a year that  I have complained to her about this.  It never goes away for long but I just HATE going to the doctor!!  She had me go in for X-Rays which showed no fractures so her best guess is that my feet can't bear the weight of my body.  WOW!  I know I'm overweight but really?  It's not like I just put weight on over the course of the year.  I have ALWAYS been big!  And if you don't believe me, just ask me!

Her solution was to give me cortisone shots in each side of my feet.  Again WOW!  What a weird feeling!  I have watched my bestie, Kate, have shots in her feet and always cringed at the site of that needle going in and out and in and out; and of course, like the good friend that I am, I laughed the whole time I cringed!  Wasn't that nice of me?  Kate should've been there today.  She could've laughed at me.  But I didn't flinch.....much.  Ok, the first initial pierce, I told the doctor "that hurts" and she told me to let go of her hair.  LOL not really!  I have a high pain tolerance so after that initial pierce with the needle, I was good to go.  "Let's get the second done now.  I can do this!"  I"m sure she thinks I'm some kind of freak.  I'm always telling them to stick needles in places they don't normally do it.  "Take my blood from the top of my hand today please" I said as the cute little nurse came in to suck my veins dry.  "No problem.  Wherever you want it."  She gives me a million dollar smile as I return it and say "Well then I'd prefer you took it out of her own arm."  I don't like she liked that.  Oh well, gotta give me an A for effort.  

When I went into the lab waiting room to get all my paperwork done for my X-Rays, I told the gal that I would also like to set up an appointment for a mammogram. My honest to goodness first mammogram of my life.  I truly thought I would have to wait a couple of weeks or a month.  Nope, she says to me "When you get done with X-Rays, go back to your doctor and finish up and then come back and we will get you done."  This was NOT was I was expecting.  I needed time to worry about this.  I needed to talk to the girls and tell them that someone was going to put them on a flat surface and squeeze the living shit out of them!  I knew they would be scared.  I knew they weren't going to like it.  Oh this is going to go badly.  I can just feel it!  

I have talked to many women about this lately and have been reassured that "the bigger your boobs, the less it will hurt."  I tried to reason with myself that this had to be true.  How could that many women be wrong?  I've NEVER seen that happen, EVER!!  So I go in, strip off my shirt & bra and put on a gown that doesn't begin to cover my huge fricken boobs!  What IS the point of that gown?  I just had to take it off on whatever side she was working with!  Seriously!!??!!  The lady then asks me if I have deodorant on.  Of course I have deodorant on! I just showered before I came here!!  Are you kidding me???  So just to make sure, I smell my pits.  LOL Right in front of this chick, I smell my pits.   NO FUCKING DEODORANT!!  SERIOUSLY???  I'm beat.  I'm not even gonna fight her.  I took the damn cloth and cleaned my armpits as though I really DID put deodorant on this morning.  I am so ashamed.  I hang my head in despair.  

She has me stand in front of this pretty pink machine and she grabs my boob like we are intimate.  Just help yourself lady, shit!!  That wasn't the most wonderful feeling in the world AT ALL!!  I could never be a lesbian I tell ya.  I felt like taking another shower after this was done simply because a woman touched my boobs.  She made a comment about how they usually "tag the nipple" or something to that effect.  I had a brain flash of my boobs laying on a slab in the morgue.  Dammit.  Well she didn't tag it and my nipple didn't fall off; neither did my boob although at one point, I did tell her "hurry, I think this thing is going to blow!"  I just got to where I didn't look down anymore because I didn't want to see the inside of my breast!

When it was all said and done and I was dressed, I told her "no offense but I wouldn't want your job for anything in the world............unless it was this or OB/GYN."  She thought it was funny and continued on to tell me that she didn't think she'd like it either when she first started school.  I'm sorry but if I thought I wasn't going to like what I was majoring in, I WOULDN'T HAVE PROCEEDED!!  LOL  I guess that's just how I work.  No worries ladies, I will not be grabbing your boobies for any reason.  Yucko.  Boobs are nasty.

I'm glad I survived it.  Now I get to to be snaked.  I'm not looking forward to this one at all.  I know I have to drink that shit that MAKES me shit.  That might have been the most appetizing thing I've said all day.  Geezus H!!  Let's get this over with doc.  I will know next week when they are going to schedule that.  Then I'm good until next Spring.  What a way to welcome Spring in each year.  I get squeezed and plunged to death.  

So, any and all tips on how to prepare for this expunging of the colonary debris would be great.  Do you think that a couple days before I have to drink that shit, I should eat as minimal as possible so I won't have much to get rid of? Or should I just live on soup alone?   I'm considering investing in a butt plug just to keep things out that shouldn't be in there.  Like snakes.  Geezus H!

I'm signing off.  I need to clean my boobies.  They feel creepy now.  They haven't had this much attention since that time on the tables at the Iowa State Fair.  Juuuuust kidding!  You all know I wouldn't do anything like that!!