For Ashley

There's nothing more upsetting in life than your child dying before you, the parent.  You might say "How would you know?  You're not even a parent?"  I don't HAVE to be a parent to know that it's unnatural to see your child dead.  And it doesn't matter how they die.  It's unnatural to have to plan a funeral and pick out a cemetery plot for someone you call your own.  It's wrong all the way around.  But it's a fact of life that we all have to accept.  Luckily we don't all have to do this but we all have to accept it.  This is something we have no power over.  No control.  And I wouldn't wish this on my very worst enemy.


Being an aunt kinda puts me at an advantage. I don't have to bear the burden of child birth.  I don't have to bear the burden of finances.  And I don't have to bear the burden of responsibility.  But on the other hand, being an aunt makes me want to do ALL of that.  I would gladly give up anything I had to, if one of my nieces or nephews needed it.  


January 14, 2005 was a pretty nice morning.  I lived in Kansas City and was driving to work, thanking God that we didn't get any bad weather.  I remember as if it was just this morning.....driving along and thinking to myself, "Someday something is going to happen to mom and Uncle Cray will have to drive ALL the way over here to tell me.  That's gonna be a sucky drive."  I get to work and am having a pretty good morning and I look up over the counter and there's Uncle Cray and Aunt Sue.  I thought it was odd that they were over in my area since I worked almost thirty minutes from where I lived and they lived another fifteen minutes further than me.  As I started to greet them, Pamela came down the aisle.  She had tears streaming down her face and I could tell she was devastated.  


I just knew it was mom.  In a span of two seconds, I was mad at myself for not calling mom that morning (even though I normally didn't call her until later in the day) and was trying to think about the last time I visited (which hadn't been very long ago).  Uncle Cray came behind the counter and asked if there was somewhere we could go talk.  I told him no, that whatever he needed to tell me, he could tell me there.  He insisted that we go somewhere else and not out where all the people would be walking by us.  Aunt Sue says "Just tell her and get it over with.  You're upsetting her."  And he says it.  "Ashley was in a car accident this morning and she didn't make it."


It really still crushes me, to this day, to say that.....to think it.....to believe it.  Ashley died.  I remember falling into Uncle Cray.  My legs were like jello.  This could not be happening.  I don't even remember how I told my boss.  If I told my boss.  We all just walked out. Pamela drove me, in my car, to my house.  I got the things I was going to need and took Pamela to her car.  I think.  It's all so foggy to me.  I can't believe I drove.  Pamela wanted me to ride back home with her but I wouldn't have it.  I just had to be stubborn.  


I headed back home.  Up the interstate I go.  I get about twenty miles out of town and guess what.....a flat tire.  My car is packed TO THE GILLS and I get a flat tire.  Of course I do!!  I pull over and get out.  I don't know what I thought I was going to do.  I knew I wasn't going to change it.  And I didn't have a cell phone at this time.  So, it's January.  I'm in shorts (no surprise).  And I have a flat tire.  


I am looking around trying to figure out if there would even be a house close by when a little pickup comes to an almost screeching halt.  This guy pulls over, gets out and asks if he can help me.  Of course you can help me!!  I start taking crap out of my trunk so he can get to the jack (that he ended up not using because it's so small) and the spare tire.  Donut tire.  Yes, I was going to have to finish the trip on a donut tire.  FUCK!  


Turns out, this man was from Oklahoma and wouldn't give me his name or address or anything.  He wouldn't take money.  Only my "thank you."  I should have gotten his license plate but I wasn't really thinking.  Anyway, he was in the KC area because a relative had died and he was coming to stay with family for the funeral.  How ironic.  Back on the road.  


I drove pretty good.  When I got to the next town though, I stopped and bought a tire and had it put on.  Called my mom from there and she was worried about me.  Thought someone should come get me.  I assured her I would be fine.  I continued on.  Every little bit, I would break out into a mad cry.  Or I would punch my steering wheel.  I'm sure everyone on the road that day wondered why I kept honking at them.  


I just wanted my mom.  I wanted her to make everything better.  I wanted her to put her arms around me and tell me it was a bad bad dream.  What I wanted the most was for Ashley to come around the corner and say "gotcha!" I would've beat her ass for it, but that's what I wanted to do.  I wanted to beat her ass.  I felt like my soul shattered that day.  I can't ever forget that feeling that I felt for weeks after she died.  


I finally get to my sisters house.  I drove right through where the accident happened and didn't even know it.  I looked but apparently didn't look at the right time.  Probably best that I didn't see anything.  I get to Marta and Manny's house and there are cars everywhere.  Then I was paralyzed.  I didn't want to go in.  "If all these people are here, then it must be true.  It can't be true.  I can't go in there.  They will all stare at you.  You were so close to Ash."  This is what was going in my head as I pulled up.  


"You have to go in.  Mom is going to be worried about you if you don't show up soon.  She will have someone out looking for you.  She worries so much.  You have to go in and help Marta.  You have to get her through this."  Talk about the good angel and the devil.  I just let them duke it out.  How the hell was I going to get Marta through this when I didn't know if I could get through this?  In the house I went.  


Mom was sitting in a chair at the top of the basement stairs and I went to her.  I was right back at wanting her to make it all better.  To make the bad go away and to make Ashley come out RIGHT NOW!  She hugged me and held on and didn't let go.....for a long time.  I buried my face in her shoulder and just cried and cried.  This is too unreal.  "Where's Marta?" was all I could get out.  Mom points and our eyes meet.  Marta knows that the love I have for Ashley is tremendous so I go to her and hug her and this time, I couldn't let go.  "This is unfair.  This is madness.  I will do anything I can for you to help you get through this."  The whole time I am asking myself what the hell can I do to get through this???


The next few days are a total blur to me.  I remember sitting around at the table and making pink ribbons to hand out at the visitation and funeral.  I remember going through photo albums.  That's about all I remember.  Her funeral was in the high school gymnasium and I can't even remember all of that.  I hate that I have that blocked.  The only things I remember from that whole damned funeral was having to say goodbye to her at the end.  Her poor nephew was a baby.  He wanted to get in and play with Ashley.  He wanted her to wake up.  He kissed her.  I crumbled inside.  And I remember her preacher saying "my God didn't do this."  That got me through a lot of grief.  A lot of heartache.  A lot of misery.  It still does to this day.  


Weeks later, I was laying in my bed.  Back in KC, to reality.  I had been begging God to please let Ashley know we love her and to please tell me that she is there with him.  And what I am going to tell you next, you probably won't believe.  But it happened.  I swear on it.  I wasn't dreaming.  I wasn't even asleep.  But Ashley was right by my bed.  She took my hand and we walked to this room.  I remember it was all white.  I never really saw any walls but there wasn't "clouds" either.  I just know there was white everywhere.  It was thee most beautiful place I have ever experienced.  We stopped in the middle of this room and there were pictures of Ashley around me.  Pictures that I have never seen before.  


They were framed in white.  And they were huge.  Bigger than life-size.  It was amazing.  I can still see this place in my head.  Ashley never spoke a single word to me.  She didn't have to.  I knew, without words, that Ashley was at peace.  That she was happy in Heaven.  That she had no more worries and no more cares.  Only smiles and "white."  The next thing I know, I am laying back on my bed.  I had NOT been asleep.  Amazing is the only way to describe this event.  


Of course I get on the phone and call mom because I have to tell someone.  It's late.  Mom thinks the worst when the phone rings late so she automatically thinks something is wrong with me.  I told her what had just happened.  She tells me that I fell asleep and had a dream.  That's not what happened.  You will never ever convince me of anything different.  I know Ashley is at peace.  And I'm okay with her death.  *sigh*


I sound like a crazy person, don't I?  I'm sure I do.  But I'm not.  At least not clinically.  -_-  I tell my Ashley story to many people.  The ones that believe and the ones that don't.  I don't care if you believe me or not.  It's just my story.  Don't try to analyze my experience please.  I want to cherish it just like it is.


So being an aunt doesn't always mean you get the shorter end of the emotional stick.  If anything, being an aunt has made me love stronger and a little more passionately than some would like.  I don't like to see "my kids" hurt.  I don't like to see them sad.  I don't like to see them struggle.  And I don't like to see them treated unfairly.  Any of them.  


Ashley and her friends practically grew up at my house.  I wonder if they had a slumber party, somewhere, every weekend.  It's a wonder any of them could keep a boyfriend.  Hell, they were always at MY house!  And I loved it!  Friday the thirteenth, Ashley always loved to have a party.  Of course, for birthdays, she had to have a party.  After ballgames, "let's go to Aunt Amelia's."  


I miss those days.  I miss those girls.  I miss all those moments.  I hope each and every one of you out there know how much I love and cherish you.  I am always here for you if you need me.  Ashley even picked out my tattoo.  She picked out a blue bulldog paw for my right ankle.  She was so excited to get to see this happen.  When the man was finished, there was Ashley.....asleep on the couch.  What a surprise!!  If you knew Ash, you knew she could sleep anywhere!!  And her mouth was probably hanging wide open too!


I could go on for days about the fun things Ashley said or did.  But I'm not going to.  I am not ready to share everything.  I have to keep some inside.  Maybe for another post.  Another blog.  Another moment.  Another time.  Have you heard the saying, "If I could just have ONE more day with you....."  I don't want just one more day with you Ashley.  Because one will not suffice.  Me or anyone else.  I don't want to see you again until we can spend our eternities together.  


Happy Birthday Ashley Renee.  You are a beautiful angel and someday we will be back together again.  Until then, keep smiling down on us and help us keep your memory alive.  I love you baby girl.  With all of my heart and soul. Give that grandpa and grandma of yours a big bear hug for me.  <3 kisses, hugs and a world full of love <3