One of my last letters to mom

My brain is having a hard time turning off tonight and my fingers want to just keep on typing.  So it shall be. 

While cleaning out closets and totes and boxes and generally a bunch of CRAP, I came across a letter that I wrote to my mom.....after she had surgery for ovarian cancer.  The woman was seventy years old and had to have a hysterectomy.  What a crock.  We are a big family.  Strike that.  We are a HUGE family.  And they made us ALL wait in the lobby of this hospital during surgery.  I bet they were kicking themselves in the ass!!

Mom,

We had a lot of time to sit and think and talk while we were waiting for you to come out of surgery.  You know your family...when we get bored, we do the silliest things.

Marta, Matilda and I were sitting out in the lobby, playing with Franny while everyone else went to get something to eat.  A lady walked by and was wearing this "ballcap" that was just covered in sequins.  Blue sequins at that!  Marta and I both spotted her and of course, got to laughing.  We told Matilda to ask her where she got it and Matilda wouldn't do it.  I said "I will ask her."  But before I even got the whole sentence spit out, Marta stops me....."NOOOOO."  I wasn't really going to ask her but Marta thought I was.  Marta says that we could probably stop by ANY Good Samaritan place and pick one up for you.  We'll try to keep that in mind next trip to Nebraska!  HA!
 
When everyone got back from lunch and we were sitting around, the guys had mostly all went over to another "booth" to play cards.  Most of us women were sitting around together talking and Linny asked Pamela how she met Lankey.  Pamela explained that they met on the internet and that they now live together.  I jumped right in and said "Don't tell her mom, she doesn't know yet."  Well ya know, Matilda confirmed it to her.  Now keep in mind, Dottie was sitting right NEXT to Linny and was reading a book.  Now Dottie is saying "What?"  We got to laughing and Linny tries to cover the side of her mouth and says "She really doesn't know?"  Dottie is all confused by what we are talking about and we break out into laughter and Linny is embarrassed because she thinks she just told Dottie!

While we are on the subject of Pamela and Lankey...Ding was asking how they communicated and was it hard to talk, etc...Pamela tells Ding that Lankey was asking about Ding because everytime Ding talked to him, she got right up in his face and Lankey thought Ding was trying to kiss him.  Of course, Ding is all embarrassed and is showing us how she tries to talk to Lankey.  Now, put your hands in a position like you're making duck beaks.....Ding does this when she's talking to Lankey and Pamela tells her that in sign language, that means "you can put your hands on me, anywhere you want to."  Ding was so embarrassed but we all laughed so hard.  I'm surprised they didn't tell us to shut up!

Finally, your doctor came out and was giving us the update.  He told us that everything went well but the recovery was going to take a while because of everything they had to do to get to your uterus...bunch of scar tissue, yada yada yada, but he assured us that he thinks they got the whole uterus but you can't drive or have sex for so many weeks, etc.  Hal pipes up and says "So much for wanting more brothers and sisters!"  We all thought that was great but your doctor sure didn't!  He just looked at him like he had lost his marbles!

After seeing the doctor, we are shuttled into the pre-op waiting room.  It is already filled with people so there was obviously no place for your surgeon to talk to us privately.  They shuttled us to a little chapel room.  It literally was big enough for three chairs.  We were all crammed into corners, against walls.  So in comes the surgeon and Freddy was standing at the door because it was so crowded.  We all introduced ourselves to her and she starts telling us in great detail, what they had to do to you.  Of course, the more she talked, the further back Freddy got.  He moved from the door to the hallway and back to the lobby without hearing it all.  When he went out, Florence asked him what was said and all he could say was "I'm not repeating that gross stuff."  He didn't look so well, they said.

So now, we are waiting, still in the lobby, for them to tell us where your room will be and when we can see you .  That was a LONG wait.  We all had meandered away, doing our own things.  Some went out to smoke, some went to the bathroom and some went to get something eat or drink.   Nellie just happened to be the only one sitting out in the lobby, talking on her phone, and your nurse comes out.  Nellie just assumed she was looking for us and she's on her phone, waving her hand wildly at the nurse.  The nurse looks over and sees Nellie and puts her hand up like "I don't want YOU."  Ha!  We gave her so much crap over that.


We all made our phone rounds to let everyone know that you got through surgery and it was a success.  We voted for Matilda to call Uncle Don so he could call the rest of the brothers and sisters.  She calls and tells him and then asks him "How is your ex's sister?"  I just about fell down because I knew that he had just returned from the East for her funeral.  It's hard not to laugh when you shouldn't.  HA!


Waiting, waiting, waiting...A lady walks by and she is carrying a bouquet of flowers.  She has on her winter gear and Nellie really wants to know where the lady got the flowers because it had a beautiful rose in it.  Marta told her to ask her.  What does Nellie do?  She yells across the lobby, "Hey lady, where did you get those flowers?"  The lady doesn't answer and Nellie says "Excuse me!"  Well the lady was wearing ear muffs and couldn't hear her but everyone else in there could!!


Lastly, Hal and Florence went to get a room for the night.  They said they were going to get one close to the hospital but were gone for well over an hour, maybe two.  When they came back, they were all worn out and Florence said they fell asleep but Nellie's theory was that "Hal took her to the grass!"  


Now, that was the whole of the letter.  I don't know why it didn't have an ending and I can't remember if there were anymore stories but I don't think there were.  Mom's recovery was rough.  On all of us.  They eventually got her settled in her room and she had to have radiation treatment.  This meant having a barrier around her bed.  We were only supposed to be in there for fifteen minutes at a time but the doctor told us, in actuality, we get more radiation standing in front of a working microwave than we would by being in this room with her.  


So everybody said their goodbyes and left for the night.  The worthless one and I stayed the night at the hospital.  He went to the waiting room and fell asleep on the little sofa.  Phone by his head in case I needed him.  I stayed in with mom.  Stretched out as well as I could be with my feet propped up in the window.  Mom was under the influence of some serious medicine people.  I can't remember for sure what it was but it was hell on her.  Valium?  Now, I don't know what woke me up in the middle of the night but something did.  I looked over at mom and she was trying to sneak out of bed.  I jumped up and ran to her side of the bed, telling her that she couldn't get up.  That she needs to lay in bed and get better so she could go home soon.  I got her laid back down and she was PISSED OFF!!  


She started yelling at me.  She asked me what she had done to me that I would want her to go through this.  Why I wanted her to have cancer.  Why did she deserve this?  How could I love her and let her have this disease?  The whole time, I kept repeating over and over, in my head, that this was NOT my mom saying these things to me.  This was the drugs talking.  This was the cancer talking.  This was the radiation talking.  But this was NOT my mom saying this.  I called the worthless one and yelled for him to bring a nurse and get in here NOW because mom wouldn't stay in bed.  I was literally holding her down.  


The nurses came running in and got control of mom.  She told them that I had pit bulls stowed under her bed and that if she tried to move, they would eat her; kill her.  My heart was being destroyed by this disease.  How much can one person take??  I had to leave.  I could only be in the room fifteen minutes at a time but I couldn't come back in until she was asleep.  That was an awful night.  A long night.  


So cancer doesn't have a place in my heart.  Not for the bad and not even for the good.  That is changing though.  I am so mad; so furious....at what cancer has done to my family.....to my friends.....that all I can do is choose to ignore it.  I am powerless against this damned disease.  It's tearing me up.  I will go out of my way, to NOT purchase something because the proceeds go to cancer research.  Bullshit.  I am convinced there is a cure out there.  But if they share it.....if all these millions of people beat it.....how will all these pharmaceutical companies survive??  I truly believe it is a conspiracy from the Government level to the Medical level.  But that's just me.  


I am starting to have a change of heart.  About cancer and about some other things in life...and in death.  The next blog or two will show you what I am dealing with.  What has got me turned inside out.  


Thanks for reading.  I'm glad you're here for the ride.  -_-