A crappy blog

And I'm back.  I just can't get enough of you today!!  *blush*


I had such a "peach" of a day today that I just thought I should share it (no, not pie this time).  I know you're on the edge of your seat.  Ready?  You sure?  Ok.....


Wait..... did you go potty?  If so, there's just ONE more thing I might suggest you do.  You might wanna march right back in there, stick a toothbrush down your throat and get rid of whatever it was you ate in the last couple of hours. 


For a couple of reasons.  First one being that this could gag you.  It gagged me.  Second one is that between your gas and your breath, I don't know which way to turn you!  Rude!


So today was laundry day for the dirty old man.  It's hot out.  We went through this last year.  I believe I told you about him running through the house all the while shitting down his leg???  Ring a bell?


Keep in mind that this man is a little "special."  He truly needs to be in a facility but until his family gets their heads out of their asses and deals with "being the bad guy," he will continue to live in a world he doesn't completely understand and can't cope in. He has the heart of a teddy bear though.  Until you piss him off.  Then he turns into the Incredible Grizzly.  For real, people.  And today I wasn't sure which one I was going to be dealing with.


I walk into his apartment and there he is, as always, sitting in his recliner, just waiting for me to come wash his clothes.  He has the laundry in the basket beside the door.  


The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the smell.  Not the smell of cooked fish, no.  Not the smell of fourteen day old smelly socks, no.  Not even the smell of sour garbage.  No.  What I smelled turned my nose inside out and it even did a couple of flips.  It was so confused, it didn't know which way was right.  It couldn't get away from the smell.  P-YOU-TRID!!!  And as much as I'm trying to get away from using this word so much.....FUCK IT WAS GROSS!! (The word in question there is the word gross, sorry)


Body odor.  Big man body odor.  Big man body odor that has been sweating for several days without a shower.  I went in and immediately filled the water jugs.  No, not to pour over him.  To water the miniature roses outside.  While watering the flowers, I was making my speech to him in my head.


I'm going to call this man Dom.  Short for dirty old man.  And faster to type.  So I go back inside and sit down across from him and say it just like this, "Dom, I need to talk to you about something and I don't want you to get mad at me, ok?"  I think I started that off innocently enough, don't you?  I mean, would YOU get your guard up if someone said that to you?  Of course you would.  You would know that something is coming next that is going to offend you.  


<insert break here to listen to "Porn Star Dancing" song and mourn my true calling in life.>


Anyway, Dom isn't like that.  He told me to just lay it out for him.  "Well Dom, when I came in here, the first thing I noticed that was different than any other time since you have lived here is the smell.  It is terrible."  He says, "Does it smell like shit?"  His eyes were as big as the moon.  It literally took everything in me to not laugh.  Now, the smile I couldn't hide.  "No, it smells like really bad body odor."  He leans back in his chair "Oh."


I proceeded to tell him that I can tell his isn't showering and that his body odor is not only offensive to the people that are around him...whether he is in  the hundred dollar store or in the grocery....but it's offensive to his own body. I told him he is going to break out into rashes and it will break his skin down and he will start to get sores.....yada yada yada (aren't you glad you bathed this week?).  


<really wondering why I didn't become a stripper....I mean dancer!!!  love the songs on my mp3 player>


He told me that he isn't sure WHEN he should take a shower and that he HAS been taking hot showers at night right before bed but that they are making his bowels bust in the night.  :-|  Sure Dom.  


I wrote down on a piece of paper for him to see everyday, what times he should shower every day (twice) and what times he should wash the armpits, under the belly and between his legs (front and back times 3).  He told me he has been using deodorant but I couldn't find any of it in the whole place.  I started him a list of things to get on his next trip out.  Deodorant was at the very top.  Told him he has to use it twice a day as well.  


Yes, I'm hard to live with.  Anyway, I know he hasn't been showering because not a single towel had been moved since I was there two weeks ago.  *sigh*  


So I get the laundry started and proceed to the bathroom to clean.  Oh my God!!!  I walked out and then walked back in.  I wasn't sure I had seen it right the first time.  From the top of the toilet lid to the base of the toilet to the baseboards under his sink..........SHIT.  NO WONDER he asked if it smelled like shit in there!!!


And apparently he DID get in the shower enough to clean himself off because there was shit in there as well!!  I can't make this stuff up people!  It truly happened.  I got the Clorox clean-up out and just soaked everything that I thought he touched.....with his nasty shitty ass or his probably dirty fingers.  I even doused the hand soap down.  Yes, I did.


I wonder what he dried off with?  Oh well, that's the least of my concerns at this point.  I told him to not go in there and I was going to the store and would be right back.  I headed off to the good ole Dollar General and purchased a new mop, Mr. Clean, more Clorox Clean-up, carpet fresh, a scrubber, and air freshener for the bathroom.  And disposable gloves.  Don't forget the gloves.  


The only thing I forgot was a face mask.  I hate it when I have to clean someone's shit up and they hear me gagging.  It's kinda embarrassing.  I know it shouldn't be but it is.  I wasn't leaving until this place was CLEAN and smelling like someone gave a shit.....poor choice of words there because obviously someone DID give a shit.  *sigh*  I had had enough of this shit.


Got back and put the laundry in the dryer and got to it.  I think the smell of all the chemicals finally got to him because he finally left me alone and went to visit his mom.  I scrubbed his apartment from top to bottom.  You should have seen me.  Spray, wipe, gag, spray, wipe, gag, rinse and repeat.  I couldn't puke.  Where the hell would I have put it??  I wasn't about to stick my head in his shit bowl with shit on it!


<can you believe I'm eating pizza while typing this?>


I cleaned fans.  I organized his closet.  I even re-folded the clothes in his dresser.  I even left him a very strict note to call me at the HINT of a bowel movement from now on!  What a shitty day at the office, huh??!!??  I'll let you know how it goes.  


Until then...wipe your asses really good after every bowel movement, keep your "unders" clean.  And I don't mean underpants.  I mean under your boobs, under your belly and under your balls, if you need to.  Was that blunt enough for you?  Oh yeah...and use deodorant.  As many times a day as you need to.  


And don't call me when you have a bowel movement.  Please.