My cloud of dust

Lately, I feel like the Peanuts character, Pig Pen.  Not because I don't bathe.....I do.  But because I feel like I have this "cloud of dust" hanging around me and there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't suck it up with the vacuum; I can't wipe it away with a cloth.  It just isn't budging.  And it's not just your typical "cloud of dust."  It's a dark cloud.  It's not really over my head because I definitely feel the sun beating down on me; it's just that I feel "dark" all around me.  I don't know if I can explain it any better than that.

After a long hard talk with my wonderful spouse, we both feel it is necessary that I learn to "let go" of some things.  I need to "let go" of the fact that I can't control everything around me.  I need to "let go" of the fact that I can't control where he goes, who he is with and what decisions he "should" or "shouldn't" be making over the course of his day.  Afterall, he's an adult, right? 

When the hell did I turn into my mother?  And that's not even a fair thing to say because my mom NEVER had control over me.  I think she learned that the more she tried, the worse the outcome was.  I think I'm at that point.  Finally.  Why can't enough be enough for me?  I always seem to want more.  And not in the material way.  In the way of control.  Wow.  Who died and made me God, right?

I have to get over this.  The sooner the better.  And I am already on my way.  Or at least I think I am.  I am trying to think beforehand and really pick my battles carefully.  I even rode to C-town with Gee today (he drove I might add) and didn't once complain.  Not about his driving (and he even took gravel) and not about the heat.  The wind was strong.  Terrible strong.  And we don't have air in our van so I had every right to complain about that.  But I didn't.  I just dealt with it.

Gee took a lot out of me in the past twenty four hours.  He really made me think.  And then here's the thing that gets me.  He can point out this stuff that he thinks is a problem in our marriage and I think about it; I concentrate on it; I do whatever I can do to make things better.  But he hasn't even considered the things I need him to do to help me out. 

Here are my questions to you, my reader.  And I'm dying for feedback on this because I truly want to make my homelife better.  As it used to be. 
Amelia's question:  Is it too much to ask my husband to take his dirty clothes and put them in the laundry room INSTEAD of the livingroom floor when he takes them off? 
Gee's answer:  "I always pick them up the next morning." 

We both grew up in clean environments.  Why is this such a hard concept to grasp?  Do you think I have a right to expect this?

Amelia's question:  Is it too much to ask my husband to open his eyes and see that there are things around the house I would like help with?  And I don't mean "fixing" things.
Gee's answer:  "If you tell me what you want me to do, I will do it."
Here's my problem with that answer.  What he doesn't "get" is that there isn't anybody waiting for me when I get home, to tell me what needs to get done.  I have two eyes (that apparently work) and I can SEE that dishes need to be put in the dishwasher OR taken out of the dishwasher OR that there is laundry in the washer that needs to be put in the dryer.  And what really really gets me is, when I tell him that the laundry needs put in the dryer...............he takes what's in the dryer and puts it on top of the deep freeze (in a pile) and leaves it for me. 

IS IT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?????  How do I make my husband understand that if he would just help with HIS OWN messes, OUR life would be so much smoother.  When I have people over for cards, or dinner or whatever.....I always deep clean.  Always.  Even if it is Matilda and the kids coming over.  Here's the reason I feel I HAVE to deep clean. 

I work a full time job.  Just like my husband.  I am tired when I come home.  Just like my husband.  I cook half the meals in our house.  Just like my husband.  I make messes in our house.  Just like my husband.  So why is it that I have to clean up after both of us?  I keep saying that if we would BOTH do our parts everyday and keep the house clean ALL THE TIME, we wouldn't HAVE to deep clean.  Am I right here, or am I right?  I'm not asking him to come home and don a maid costume.  That's disturbing in itself. 

Here's what I'm asking.  When you come home from work and you want to strip down because you're hot and you're tired and you just want to relax...............undress in the laundry room.  Empty your pockets on the kitchen table or counter or even on the deep freeze in the laundry room (you know, on your way) but please please please stop leaving your dirty clothes on our livingroom floor.  It's not a hard thing that I'm asking...................IS IT???

Here's what else I'm asking.  When you are sitting in your chair eating your dinner at night and you set your empty pop bottles and your empty plate on your end table..............take it to the kitchen the very next time you get up.  Even if it's to go to the bathroom.  Take your shit and put it where it goes.  How much simpler can that be?

Tell me people................DO I ASK TOO MUCH?  Because my husband thinks that I am out of line in asking him to do this.  He says he helps out at home but what he realizes is.............if the siding is straight on the outside of our house, doesn't matter to me!  After nine hours of doing my job, I don't want to come home and pick up after him.  I have to pick up after me.  I'm irritated at this.  I'm tired of this behavior and I'm just about fed up. 

But I'm not going to get mad about it.  And to me, that's the scariest thing that could happen.  I guess he wants me to just bottle it up and forget about it.  I think we both know that's a heart attack waiting to happen.  *sigh*  What do I do?

And here's the other thing that's got me down.  Gee told me that I judge his friends.  That I don't like any of his friends.  That I don't want him spending time with any of his friends.  And I thought about that.  For about twelve hours, that's all I COULD think about.  And I came to the conclusion that he is right.  And I don't want to be "that" wife.  Our friends are important and no matter who they are, they are OUR friends for a reason. 

I don't want Gee thinking I want to pick his friends because to be honest, there's nobody on earth good enough for my husband.  He's too good-at-heart.  He can't see someone taking advantage of him to save his life.  And maybe..... after all..... that's good..... right?  Maybe we all need to stop thinking about the ones taking advantage of us and just BE.  I don't know if that's the right answer or not but I will tell you this; Gee can have whomever he wants for a friend.  I will just have to accept it. 

Do you think it's weird to have a friend and not know their last name?  Strikes me as odd.  Acquaintances I understand but when you say "My friend Buford and I are going to go night fishing tonight at the lake," and your wife asks what Buford's last name is, shouldn't you at least KNOW?  I mean, come on, there are lunatics out there people!  Is it too much to ask WHO the person you are head-over-heels in love with, is going to be with? 

How do I know that person didn't just steal a child?  How do I know that person isn't wanted for questioning in a murder case?  How do I know?  And more importantly, how does Gee know?  I guess we're not to know.  Am I wrong for wanting to know what my husband does while I'm away?  And who he is doing it with?  I have never hid anything from him about who I am with or anything.

And let me ask you this question............for the men as well as the ladies...............what would you think if your spouse had a friend that wanted them to "sneak" an affair?  Would you like it if your spouse kept hanging around with them?  I do know my husband would never cheat on me.  And I thank God for that.  But there are a lot of situations out there and a lot of people pushing the "devil."  Just something to think about. 

Your comments are very much appreciated on this.  Please help me remove my "cloud of dust."