I'd like to trade my heart in

I didn't know whether to do my font in red today, or blue.  I chose blue.  The sadness overtakes the anger by far. 

I have said in earlier blogs that when we were growing up, we weren't allowed to have pets.  I think that may have been a HUGE mistake.  I don't even know who to blame. I can't blame anyone.  I guess I could blame my parents.....but then again, they let us have animals until we moved into the jail house.  It was the county supervisors that wouldn't allow pets.  Or so I was always told.  And that's understandable too.  I mean, wasn't it enough they moved a family with six kids (who were at times, animals) into their precious jail house? 

Fine.  I guess I won't blame anyone.  But having animals as a child could have prepared me for things a little differently in my adult life.  You know from my blog about my puppy, Bear and how it tore me up when he was run over.  I still have a hard time thinking about him and how he was taken from us too early.  I visit his grave often and tell him how sorry I am that I didn't protect him better than that and that I hope he's in Heaven waiting for me to join him some day. 

Last night, I got home from work about 0120 in the morning.  The very first thing I did was open up the kennel and let the dogs out.  Momma had been in there with the two pups since I left shortly before 1700. She immediately went to get a drink and I reached in to get the pups.  The male was crying.  I assumed it was because his momma had just ran out without him.  I noticed the female had her head in the food dish.  That is kinda strange since she doesn't have any teeth.  She must be stuck.

"What are you doing in there freckles?"  And I picked her up, only to realize that she was dead.  She had been sat on and suffocated.  Her brother was wailing and trying to get to me because I had his sister.  I laid her down...I was in shock.  For a few minutes, I truly didn't know what to do.  I got the male out and he kept nudging his sister.  I know he was trying to wake her up.   I imagine that he listened to her cry for help until she couldn't cry anymore. 

The momma didn't want anything to do with her.  I brought her over to the pups and she pushed them out of the way so she could get under my hand (to pet her).  I was sad and I was furious.  But I was more sad.  This is the second pup that she has killed.  I knew in my heart that I could not trust her with the last pup and took her outside and tied her to her lead and let her sleep in her doghouse one last time. 

I left a message with Gee to come up to the house in the morning so he could bury her. He was out camping with friends and I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do that.  I wrapped "Freckles" up in a small towel and laid her on my enclosed porch since the floor is concrete and would be cool for the night.  All I could do was stare at her fragile, resting body.  And her brother wouldn't stop crying. 

Finally I just let the flood gates open and I sobbed for this poor defenseless puppy that died at the hands of her mother.  I sobbed because I had to find a way to comfort this poor little guy that doens't understand why his sister and momma aren't there anymore.  And I sobbed because I wanted my Bear back.  I laid down with the male puppy and just let myself cry.  When I would cry, he would get up by my face and try to lick my tears.  When I stopped crying, he would wail again. 

What a night.  It took me forever to go to sleep and then when I did, I kept waking up to make sure I wasn't suffocating that little guy.  He wanted to sleep up by my hair the whole night.  No thank you.  I made him sleep a little ways away from me but close enough that my hand was beside him the whole night.  So I knew when he moved. 

This morning, I brought the momma in and let her feed her son one last time.  I petted her and told her how much I loved having her with me and that she was going to go to a place where she would never have to be tied to a lead; would never be hungry or thirsty; and would always have someone there to pet her.  I have sobbed so much in the past eighteen hours, my head will not stop hurting.  I feel like it's going to burst.

I'm surprised I am dry-eyed typing this because my heart hurts so bad.  I think I'm numb already.  Anyway, Gee came home and buried Freckles and took momma to be put down.  I'm sure there are going to be people that think we're Class A assholes but I can't have a dog that is going to kill other dogs.  I won't have it.  She has been shown nothing but love and because of that, she didn't want her own pups to have it.  Jealousy isn't only in people. 

Momma is buried out at the family farm where we will always have her with us.  She can run with her pups now and not have to be jealous of them anymore.  I wish I could make my heart stop this feeling.  I wish I didn't care so much.  I wish I could just move on.  I think that if I had been able to have a pet growing up, I wouldn't hurt so much.  But then again, I probably would.  I know that there won't be any new dogs from now on.  When they're gone, they're gone and if I can get rid of the ones I have now, my heart will be fine. 

Hug your family pet or pets.  Tell them you love them.  Give them a treat.