I am emotionally exhausted. Today I worked with Vivian and we had a really deep..... kinda heart-to-heart............ raw emotion...pour out our souls kinda talk. And I shared things with her that I am completely surprised about. Amazed about. I think I have put myself in shock. I shared something with her that I have never shared with another human being. I also found out that her and I were a lot a like when we were "coming of age."
A couple of times, it took everything in me to hold back the tears from forming in my eyes. And the reasons that I held back were multiple.....and I haven't decided which is the right one. I don't know if I held back because I don't want to look weak. I mean, how dumb can a person be to spill their guts about their true and honest feelings and then cry about it? And I know she wouldn't have cared if I had cried. Hell, she may have cried with me.
And then I think about what would have been said (or thought) if I HAD cried and one of our officers walked in the room. That would have been uncomfortable. For me and the officer. We all know how guys feel when a woman is crying. Makes them feel like a trapped animal and they need to RUN! -_- Of course they would want to know (later) what was wrong. Everybody wants to help everybody it seems.
Another reason I didn't think I should cry is because I ALMOST felt like I was cheating on my "best friend." You see, I am still trying to find...in my heart...if Kate and I really are best friends anymore. I am doing my best by not keeping score of different things but when it's blatantly thrown in my face that she doesn't want to do things with me unless I go by her "conditions," it makes me not want to be around her. And I think I'm mourning the loss of our relationship. I thought I could handle that better.
When I say "conditions," here are some examples of what I mean. "I will go BUT we have to take my car (because mine doesn't have air) and you have to drive." Sounds okay every once in a while but it is every time we go somewhere. And if I don't agree, she won't go. Another "condition" that I know I have to deal with is when I tell her how I feel about something, she ends up telling either her sisters or her daughters. It never stays just between us. And I know this to be true because they have accidentally let it slip about certain things.
Is this stuff that you would overlook? I don't feel like I should have to be the one to physically drive us everywhere we go together. When we were in the city a little while back, I told her she had to drive to this store we were going to or we weren't going. Plain and simple. I was tired of driving. So she drove. And she took the long way, which is fine.....but she tried to make me feel guilty the whole time she drove. So it was easier to just give in and drive the damned car.
And that whole guilt thing is my biggest issue with her. And I've had a talk with her numerous times about it. She says she doesn't do it but anybody who knows her, knows she does it. It's how she is. And to a point, it's cute...and it's funny. But it's annoying as hell. And I'm to the point where I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to be "guilted" into doing something that I don't want to do simply because it's the ONLY way I get to spend time with her.
Back to today. I think the last reason that I held back the tears is because I was afraid that if I had crumbled in front of Vivian, I was going to do something else. And that something else was to tell her the WHOLE truth. I didn't lie to her today. Not about anything. But I didn't tell her everything either. She knows that and she's okay with that. I love that about her. She's willing to take just what she's given and she doesn't feel the need to delve any deeper unless it's warranted.
I would say this conversation was two and a half hours long. And a fast two and a half hours it was. Before we knew it, it was time to go home. That doesn't mean I want to do that again tomorrow. No, no thanks. Tomorrow is laugh day. No matter what! If I trip over my chair, get a concussion and have to go to the hospital.....we WILL laugh about it.
So since I have gotten home from work, all I have done is think. Think about the things we discussed. Think about how I reacted. Think about why I reacted the way I did. I have questioned myself about WHY I have the feelings I have. I have tried to "sort" my feelings into "what am I going to do" and "how can I walk away from this" categories.
I have thought about Kate and the things that have changed in our friendship. The things we USED to do; the things we USED to discuss; and the things we USED to put ahead of everything else. And the more I think about it; the more I type about it; the more I feel like I truly am mourning the loss of the best friend I have ever had in my life. I fret that I will never have the kind of relationship...........friendship with anyone else on this big ole ball of grass and water that I had with Kate.
That's not saying that her and I won't still be friends. There are just restrictions now. Blind restrictions is how I see it. We won't say outloud what we will and won't do together. We will just "feel." Geezus H. that is sad. How do two people let this happen to themselves? *sigh*
Have you ever mourned a friendship gone wrong? Maybe not wrong.... just went the other direction I guess. How do you move on when that one person that you have always felt that sense of security with, is no longer that secure person? How do you get a relationship...a friendship with someone else that is even close to that? Because I need a person in my life. Someone that I can share these intimate things with... that maybe understands because they have their own intimate things that they need to share. And not hate me for my thoughts and not think that I'm a bad person and not run to another friend... even if that other friend is a neutral party... and share my stuff...my feelings.
My head is spinning. It's almost midnight. Gee has to be up in five hours which means I will be up in five hours. And then back to work. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep tonight. I need that hard sleep that I had the other night...but I need it in a five hour increment.
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