The numbers are climbing!

Can you believe this is my sixty eighth blog?  Me either!!  But then again, I DO have a lot to say... well usually -_-  Although, I did tell my friends last weekend that I am the one in the crowd that "shy's" away from people but they didn't believe me.  Who cares what they think anyway.  Assholes.

So I just came from the garage at work.  Seems we have caught a bird in there.  I do NOT like birds.  And I volunteered to go out in the garage with one.  A pretty one.  It's blue.  Not the kind of blue I like on birds though.  You know the color..... that beautiful blue when they can't get oxygen and are just about to die.  Yeah, that's my favorite blue.  All in all, it amazed even ME that I volunteered to go out and get that little blue shit.  And shit it did.  But not on me.  I made sure of it.  Didn't go underneath it once.  That thing can sing.  Man, it had a strong voice.  I'd love to choke it out of him.....or her.  The ending isn't as happy as you'd probably like.  Definitely not as happy as I'd like.  We didn't get the stoopid thing out and it's driving me crazy singing like it is.

And my baby has been crying all morning.  Damn thing.  I give it a bottle and it sucks it dry.  I swear my baby is needy.  Already five days old and it has a crib and an outfit.  What a spoiled brat. 

Oh oh oh, I almost forgot!  The reason I brought up how many blogs I have written is because Gee and I were thinking about what I should do for my hundredth blog.  His idea is to follow up on some of the things that I have talked about in previous blogs.  What do you think of that?  Is there ANYTHING you want to hear more about?  And think long and hard about that before you answer.  Now... here's what you do.  You comment at the bottom of this blog and tell me just exactly what it is you would like me to elaborate on OR you can find me on facebook (as if you already haven't) and leave a comment on this link, or my page or in a private message OR you can find me on Twitter and send me a message.  SEE?  Aren't I easy to get along with??

So my bestie-this-week, (who is Kate again), and I are going to the city tomorrow night.  We have a motel room reserved and I am so stoked about this trip.  Here's why.  We get to just "hang out" and not have to worry about kids or husbands or dogs or birds or babies or anything.  AND we get to finally meet Bertha's (or Penny, depending who you are) son.  Maybe even both of them.  Corey and Carl.  Now, most people probably think we have already met because I'm ALWAYS and FOREVER sticking up for Corey to his mom.  I keep telling her to FEED THAT DAMN KID of yours!  He's always hungry.  It's a wonder he can keep his head up most days.  She doesn't listen though.  She starves him.  On purpose I might add.  Just to see if she can.  She's an evil witch like that I tell ya.

But I love her <3.  Just like I love my gal Vivian.  She has left me for the week.  She thought she needed some vacation.  What the hell?  AND as if THAT isn't bad enough, she took her husband with her!  Seriously??  Is that even legal??  I tell ya what, it's a damn good thing I'm off this weekend or I would be pulling out the ole bullshit card.  She better have AT LEAST one damn good blog out of all this vacation time.  Three would be good but ONE is the least.  Did you read that right Vivian?  One to three blogs are due.

For those of you that haven't ever read my girl's blogs.  Kids, cops & cookies.  Check it out.  She's like the Martha Stuart.....I mean Stewart...of our jail.  I don't know why she likes Martha though.  Rachel is cute and Martha embezzled.  Loads of money.  And got caught.  Duh.  Viv, don't be like Martha  anymore.  I deem you Little Rachel.  Wait.....I think we're older than Rachel.  Well I don't really know for sure to be honest.  Maybe Rachel is REALLY and TRULY  a little Vivian!!  Yes, I think that's it!  Oh look!!  Her head just swelled!  It's nearly triple the size that it was!  It's okay Vivian.  I still love ya <3.

I don't know how many of you watch TV or pay attention to the commercials but yesterday, I was lounging around...........ya know, eating my bon bons and being fanned by my studly gardener with a huge palm tree branch..... and this commercial for tic tacs comes on the tube.  Now, before I elaborate on what a STOOPID and IDIOTIC commercial this was.....let me first tell you that a while back they had a commercial and they simply stated that "The average person spends an average of "yada yada" hours...or days...or months...hell maybe even years....on the toilet in their lifetime.  Enjoy a tic tac."  What the fuck is that?  And maybe I've already elaborated on this once, I'm not sure BUT it must have struck me as pretty stoopid to still be talking about it after all this time, right??  Because normally I don't remember them at all.  So then they go and try to outdo that one.  The one that came on yesterday was, "Over a lifetime, the average person spends two months in meetings.  Enjoy a tic tac."  Are you kidding me? 
 
Now granted, THIS one wasn't AS stoopid and idiotic as the toilet one BUT it's stoopid all the same.  Oh yes, now I know I have talked about this before because I distinctly remember blogging that I should go into advertising if that's all they have to work with.  Can you imagine me as an advertiser?  I'd never get a sale.  I can say that honestly and with a blank face.  Because really..... who wants an advertiser that is going to suggest their tic tac commercial go something like this, "The average person does NOT like to take it in the butt.  Try a tic tac.  It'll change your mind."  No, people won't go for that.  An A for effort though, right?

So, since we're on the subject of commercials, I think I will add that insurance companies probably have THEE most entertaining commercials I have ever seen.  Of course Progressive  has Flo.  I like Flo.  I wish my hair was like hers.  Well today I do.  Tomorrow I could change my mind.  Although Flo is sometimes a little too nerdy for me, I think she's pretty cool.  AND she represents my car insurance.  Bonus. 

Another one I like is Farmers . "We are Farmers...Bom be dom bom bom bom bom."  I like their jingle too.  Can you tell?  They have the one where the people are burnt up and standing next to a tree and their little group of interns has to figure out what happened to them.  Or there's a motorcycle up in a tree.  But the most recent one I like from them is the world's largest ball of hail.  And then the chic drops it.  I laugh my ass off every time she drops it!  I mean duh, you KNEW you dropped it the LAST time I watched this, why can't you hold on to it better THIS time around!!??!!

And then there's the Geico thing.  Salamander?  Gekko.  Yes, that's it.  He's creepy in his own way but kinda cute.  I would like to step on him as he's talking about life insurance.  I don't remember if they sell life insurance though.  Whenever I see the commercials, I am always worried about some bike running him over on the bridge in New York or some animal, like a wild boar, sneaking up behind him when he's trying to get through the grass (from his office to the sidewalk).  I suppose that would be like walking across the damn country.  So he kinda distracts me from knowing what they are really about.

But I have to say that my MOST FAVORITE commercial on TV right now is from State Farm .  Where the guy is standing in the middle of his living room at 0300 hrs. and he's saying, "Yes, I'm married.  You can do that for me?  Oh, I'd like that."  And his wife flips on the light and says "Who are you talking to at three in the morning?"  She folds her hands in front of her, all defensive.  "Uh... Jake, from State Farm."  She grabs the phone from him and says "Who is this?"  And instead of Jake answering her, her husband says again, "Jake, from State Farm." And this chic is getting testier by the word.  "Well what are are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?"  And then it shows this guy sitting in his little cubicle next to other guys in their cubicles and they all have on these State Farm shirts and khaki's and he says, "Uh...khaki's?"  The woman pulls the phone from her ear, looks at her husband and says, "She sounds hideous!"  And the husband says, "Well she's a guy." 

I just laughed out loud typing about it.  That one wins it for me.  They should let me be a judge of things like this.  I think I would be a great judge.  Especially a food judge.  I could taste shit all day long.  Ewwww not shit.  Let me re-phrase this.  If I were going to be a judge, I want to be the judge that gets to taste all the desserts.  Just one bite of each.  And as part of my "judge" duties, I should be allowed to put people in jail.  For whatever I want.  That's all.

Well, I think I have been windy enough today.  Be thinking about what you would like me to elaborate on for my hundredth.  I am going to be having a tea party that day so I hope you can join me.  I will have all kinds of cookies.  And maybe cake.  Tea of course.  And coffee.  Plenty of seating for everyone.  See ya next time folks!!