The middle of the Mess

Back for part two huh?  Boy you ARE a glutton for punishment, aren't you!?!  Day two of our trip was Saturday the 14th.  Does anyone even remember that there was a movie called "Saturday the 14th?"  I vaguely remember there was such a movie.  Don't remember much from it but I do recall it was lame.  


I know Friday the 13th is a movie.  (Don't send hate mail saying I'm a confused old bird that needs to be locked up)  Most people that know me, already know that anyway.  I always thought those Friday the 13th movies were dumb.  This is why I have a hard time finding a "scary" movie.  I rationalize too much.  I believe Saturday the 14th was a knock-off of Friday the 13th (Duh, you think???) and apparently somebody thought it was going to be great. I wonder how long it took before they were thinking again!  Hahaha


I went to use my cell phone at work tonight and couldn't find it.  I thought maybe I left it in the car but remembered as I was coming in the door at work, I heard it ring.  Hmmmmmm I checked my locker.  I checked all my pockets.  I checked my desk.  No phone.  Oh dear.  I know where it's at.  It's been in my lunch bag since I got to work.  About an hour.  In the fridge.  Wow.  It's a good thing I have a cool phone to soothe my hot head I have at the end of this blog!  For those of you wondering.....I was born red headed and then went blonde before turning brunette.  I have an excuse!




ANYWAY.............About this day.............


I guess it got pretty cold in the basement over night because I woke up to Matilda and Pamela upstairs in the kitchen talking and Matilda was saying that she got up in the middle of the night in search of a blanket and was being very careful not to wake anyone.  Suddenly an image of Elmer Fudd comes to mind.  I picture her tip-toeing through the house with her finger to her lips as if saying "Shhhhh" to nobody in particular.  Be vewy vewy quiet.....Matilda is hunting wabbits.....I mean bwankets.....SHIT!  Blankets for fucks sake!  Anyway, I guess Lulu did the same thing.  I sure didn't think it was cold.  Hell, I could've used a fan but hey, I was in a sleeping bad.  A very warm sleeping bag.  I offered to bring a second one when we left but nobody wanted it.  Boo hoo to you too!  You girls might want to think about that next time.  


Matilda has had leg cramps ever since then.  She may have to grow a banana tree at her house.  I hope she knows she's supposed to EAT the banana and not..............oh dear.  I elect YOU to tell her.


So we all got up pretty early and headed for the stores.  More driving.  I'm sure Lulu was thrilled.  The one Goodwill store that we made it to was nothing more than a stinky store that had all its "junk" thrown around.  Not impressed at all and usually Goodwill is one of my favorite "hot spots."


So we did a bunch more driving to a bunch more stores.  Seems like it took forever for us to wake up.  All day we kept repeating "I'm ready to go back to Pamela's and take a nap."  But we kept plugging away at that shopping thing until we got in the groove.


At one store, we did our usual thing and tried on some hats that were especially nice.  I wish I was a hat person.  My head must be mis-formed or something.  They don't feel right on me.  And I look homeless no matter which one I wear.  I looked at one of those outfits that snaps in the crotch.  You know, leotard-type. I told the girls that I should buy it so I could walk around picking at my crotch.  We just happened to be passing by a lady as I was demonstrating the "crotch pick" and I said "I hate it when my crabs get loose. They don't like it in there and are always trying to get out but I just shove 'em back in."  Ya know, come to think of it, I never saw that lady again.  Hahaha oops!


We had two cars traveling because Pamela had to do an errand for a friend and met us while we were out shopping.  I asked Lulu to ride with Pamela and I would go with Matilda since Pamela and I were the only ones in the group that could navigate KC and I was rusty.  Hell, I will admit I had her take a turn or two that was wrong.  But we had hella laughs doing it.  We even found Batman's parking space!!!  

I always thought Wayne Mansion was nicer than some old warehouse though!  We ALWAYS got to where we needed to be though.


Shoes are a huge thing for me and I had every intention of getting a new pair of shoes on this trip.  I love shoes.  Almost like I love food.  I have had a certain pair of shoes in mind for several months and I wasn't coming home without them.  I need them to keep at work so I don't track in.  Black K-Swiss with pink soles.  

Hot, huh?  Yeah, I think so too.  While at Shoe Carnival, their phone rang as I was at the check-out paying for my stuff.  Out of habit, I reached for the phone.  The really scary thing is that I was already prepared to answer it just like I do at work........and trust me, it isn't anything CLOSE to sounding like Shoe Carnival.  


I sure get some odd looks from people.  I can't figure it out.


Our night ends on a lazy note.  Pizza Hut at the house.  Oh yeah, we got back to the house about 1800 hrs.  That's 6pm for you civilians.  There was NO napping for us this day.  Pammy was out with friends because we told her we are TOO DAMNED OLD to do this two nights in a row and the three of us ate pizza, played "What the F*CK," and did laundry.  Giggles galore!!


Let me ask you this:  For the vehicle of your choosing, free and clear you would own it, would you stab your genitals five thousand times with a toothpick?  It's a BIG HELL YEAH from me!!  The other two said no.  I don't know why not.  They are both single.  Their genitals aren't even being used.  At least that's what THEY say.  Hell, I'm married and I'd do it.  I can forego sex to let my snatch heal up.  I mean, how MUCH damage can one toothpick do, right???  And think about this:  The vehicle of your choosing could very well be the most expensive motor home on the market.  Uh huh, I bet they change their minds now.


As I said, we stayed in and done laundry.  Between the washer cycles kicking in and out, the dryer buzzer going off and that damned ice maker dropping ice, there were enough noises to scare away any burglars in a ten mile radius!  Of course EVERY TIME, Matilda and I heard something, we jumped.  A mile.  And Lulu laughed at us.  So I guess we all got some kind of exercise out of the deal.  


So in the span of two days, we were in KC KS, KC MO, Overland Park, Raytown, Lenexa, and Piper.  And we still had another half day to go!  I think Lulu is having fun now!


Before I close, I would like to tell a little story about my experience at BARNES & NOBLE.  I wanted to get my great nephew, Batman, a Bible.  His first Bible, to be exact.  I have looked all over Des Moines and now I try BARNES & NOBLE in Overland Park at Oak Park Mall.  I go in and search that WHOLE lower level.  Well every section EXCEPT the coffee shop.  Can't find it.  I ask a cashier and I get: "I would guess it would be in the  children's section."  She got the stupid look as I was THINKING: "No shit??  Come on, if I knew where THAT was at, we wouldn't even be HAVING this shittin conversation!"  Oh wait, I see a light bulb coming on now.  "Oh, it's upstairs across from the escalators."  Away I go.  I will get the Baby Bible and be on my way.  I literally ran up the escalator.  I looked in EVERY section of the children's section.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  I approach three different women and one man asking each if they work there and I get four "NO's."  Finally I just threw my hands in the air and said "Does anyone work here?"


Why are those people staring at me???


I am pissed at this point and start back down the escalators to either let someone really have it or just walk out when a book catches my eye.  I stopped and looked.  There were three books sitting there that I grew up reading (and still have somewhere)and loving so that helped calm my mood a little bit.  Of course, I had to get them.  I snatched them up and headed down the steps.  Lady in front of me.  She's not walking down.  She's being lazy.  Pisses me off again.  So as I'm standing there waiting for this slow piece of shit escalator to finally creep to the main level, I start fuming about the Bible thing again.  I start having one of those discussions with myself.  You know the ones.  Good and evil.  The red guy saying "Don't buy those books here.  This store is bullshit."  The white guy saying "You can't NOT buy those books.  You LOVE those books!"  


As soon as I hit the main level, I made my way BACK to the religious section to make sure I didn't miss that Bible somewhere and no, I didn't.  They apparently don't care if babies know God.  Well I do and my baby Batman WILL have his Bible when he is born.  I will accept nothing less.  So as it stands, Frog & Toad and Danny & the Dinosaur saved some cashier's life that day.  They don't even know how lucky they are.  


And if that wasn't enough, I literally took one step to the right to grab a gift bag for my purchases and the two fucking douche bags behind me, got in front of me.  Really people??  Is your life so fucking busy that you are going to take someone's place IN A BOOK STORE, because they took one little step out of line to get a bag for their purchases??  I just shook my head and said "I guess I will go BACK to the end of the line AGAIN!"  Not one person in that line would look me in the eye.  (And not because they were in front of me either dammit!)  When I finally got to the cashier and she asked me if I found everything, I told her I found NOTHING I needed and I wasn't very nice about it.  She didn't say another word to me.  Not thank you, goodbye or kiss my ass.  Probably just as well.  


My boss warned me about getting arrested.  


So, as I see it, when someone Googles BARNES & NOBLE, this blog could very well end up on a search page.  Hahaha probably not but it's worth a try.  I will never shop at BARNES & NOBLE again in my life.  They are going to hear about my experience though.  


That is the end of my story for Saturday the 14th.  I hope it made you smile.  I know it did me -_-