The Beginning of the Mess

Happy Monday!!  I survived yet another "Girls Weekend Away" unscathed!  Although there WERE times that I wondered if we would live to see the next day!  Between Matilda's driving and the weather..............Geezus Johosephats!  

Matilda got her hair cut.  She tricked me into thinking she couldn't go short and she did!  She jumped out of her front porch and number one: scared the fucking begeezus out of me and number two:  I didn't know who the hell she was!  She had been transformed into a new person.  She looks absolutely amazing!!


Matilda, Lulu and I ventured off to Kansas City, Kansas.  Then Kansas City, Missouri.  Then there was Raytown.  I am wondering how Lulu will adapt back to the small town life because she is sure we never got out of the car for anything except to change clothes and nap before we were off again.  Maybe she's right! Isn't that what it's all about?  Something we don't normally do!!


We arrived at my niece, Pamela's house on Friday and got settled in when Pammy drops the bomb on us; or rather, "the dress" on us.  "This is what I have out to wear to Funky Town tonight."  Three women's jaws were on the floor.  We may have been paralyzed momentarily, I'm not sure.  Pammy has this "little" sequined dress that she is wearing..................with leggings under, of course.  Because she aint no ho.  For about ten minutes, I was very jealous of her.  I wanted to dress like a high priced hooker too AND look as much of a knock out as she did!  Oh who am I kidding, I was jealous of her the whole damned weekend over that dress!!  And I wouldn't have worn the leggings!  Hahaha

"Ummmm excuse me but we HAVE to go shopping................NOW"  I roared.  I brought "going out" clothes but nothing and I mean NOTHING like that!!!  Of course she's a little smaller than I am so my visions of going out and buying my own little black dress were just huge visions of my past that "used to be."  We went shopping, nevertheless.  


We hit Legends.  Hard.  One store.  That's all it it took.  I was going in and finding me a nice dress to wear to the disco.  Now that I think of it, why didn't SOMEONE say out loud, "We are going to a DISCO, not a Presidential Ball!"  Hello..................who gives a rat's ass (furry and small for those that don't know what they look like cuz my boss asked me this) what we wear as long as we can boogie down!!


Besides, I can wear a sheet to the Presidential Ball.  I would blend right in.............. that's another blog.


The first, and only, store we walked into was THEE store!  They had EVERYTHING!  The Dress Barn.  (The clouds parted and the sun shone done on us as the angels sang on high..........)  Don't ask Matilda, she can't remember.  She calls it the Red Barn.  I don't know why.  It wasn't a red store.  The Red Barn is a little...............red barn, go figure................in our hometown.  And it isn't even a store.  It's a place where people hold dinners and banquets and things like that but NOT a dress shop or clothing shop.  Oh well.  I will let her have that one.  She won't live it down but I will let her have it.  Because she likes to tease me about going to the "Farmer's Market" in Omaha which was really the Old Market.  If I could've found ONE veggie in that area, I would've......or rather could've, been right!


Moving on.......we went into the Dress Barn and about three hundred and fifty dollars later, were on our way.  That was between three of us.  Don't panic.  I'm not a novice shopper.  I just need women to help me put things together and I rarely get that chance.  So I took full advantage of it that day!  I had Pamela, Matilda, Lulu and our now good friend Bridget, that works there.  Never knew her a day in my life before Friday but now I think she's a pretty good friend cuz she dresses good and was good help to me.  Well............ now that I think back, I didn't buy one thing she recommended.  Maybe she's not such a good friend after all.  


I never even tried one dress on.  Can you believe it?  I guess that little black dress that I am envisioning isn't meant to be.  Yet.  I was so enamored by all the pretty clothes.  I got a nice outfit to wear that night with some jewelry which really IS a new thing for me and away we went.  Dinner out to Johnny Carino's.  I love Italian food!  The menu was pretty small and straight-forward and just FULL of carbs.  Everywhere I looked, I saw numbers adding up to things I couldn't, or rather shouldn't, have.  And then it hit me that I was late for my insulin shot.  The waitress is standing right beside me to take our drink order and I blurt out "I have to have my shot!"  She looked at me like I had flipped my lid!  "Not THAT kind of shot.  I'm not drinking."  And I jump up from the table and my sunglasses go flying across the room.  I go to pick them up and kick them a little further.  FUCK!  I'm trying to tell my body to "just fucking cooperate with me" so I could get to the bathroom. I was a little scared right about now, I'm not going to lie to you.   


I must've looked like a mad woman because people were staring at me all the way to the bathroom.  I was pretty sure I was going to faint by the time I found it.  I felt bad!  Ahhhhh, behind closed doors and get that insulin in me. And breathe................. "I'll have that iced tea now."  I think I stress out more when I'm late getting the shot than I am about how it's medically affecting me. 


As a group, we tried to hit on this little young waiter.  He wasn't ours but he was in our area.  He was checking out the girls.  By girls, I mean not me; and that's fine with me.  I have MY OWN young man at home.  One IS enough!!  I told our waitress to tell him to come to Funky Town that night and the girls would show him a good time.  He didn't show.  I hope he lost his house key when he got home and had to sit out on the stoop.  Ha!


Back to Pammy's to get ready.  Matilda and Pammy are on side of the house getting ready while Lulu and I are in another.  WE are on the front side of the house though. The side with the front door.  We are half dressed and hear someone knocking.  We freeze.  "Is that someone at the door?"  I say to her. "Yes. You answer it."  OK, I will go right out without any pants on and answer her fricken front door in my underwear.  In Kansas fucking City!!  So I sneak my head around the corner and look out.  Nobody.  I hear a knock again.  I run to the door so they can't see me and I peek out the other window.  Nobody.  What the hell??  I hear a giggle.  So I open the door.  NOBODY.  I run back to the front bedroom and Lulu and I don't even know what to do at this point.  I fear someone will be coming around looking in the windows at the back of the house so I think about how to prepare for attack.  "Matilda!!"  I "quietly yell."  She comes walking out "Yeah?"  "What are you doing in there?"  "Knocking on the wall in the closet to see if you can hear me."  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE................yeah, she got us!


That's ok though, I got them earlier.  When we got to the sub-division Pammy lives in, Matilda couldn't remember which house was Pammy's but she remembered that she was the only one in her neighborhood with a retaining wall in the back yard.  So we find the house and Matilda is sure this is right.  I go up to the door and ring the doorbell and then I turn back and say "I looked inside and this isn't Pammy's furniture! We are at the wrong house!"  Lulu jumps back in the car and puts her seatbelt on.  She isn't going to be part of this wrong-house shit at all.  After all, we're in the city now.  We could get shot for this!  I told Matilda to come up and stand with me because I already rang the doorbell.  Pammy is already out on her front step and Matilda can't see her but says "Can I help you?  Who are you?"  Hahahaha how you like me now Matilda?


Pammy told us it was about forty-five minutes to Funky Town.  Lulu has never let us live that down.  Kansas City is a big city.  It takes time to get across................unless you have a jet. On the drive over, my phone decides to take some Ecstasy (Exstasy?  X? I'm not proficient in drugs, sorry.  I don't know how it's spelled) and tells me it's two hours later than it really is which spazzes me out.  I don't know why.  We weren't on any time schedule.  Other than the place COULD close for the night and if we didn't fricken get there already, we wouldn't get to dance!  Someone pass me a Xanax, I may not make it. 


We arrive and meet up with a group from Pammy's work.  It literally took an hour for a song to play that I knew.  That kinda bummed me out because I like to dance but if I don't know the song, it's kinda hard to keep a beat going, ya know.  Because I am some kind of dance master when I'm out there.  People always stand back to get a good view of me shaking my tush and boobs and then doing my breakdance moves.  They can't get enough of me!


Hahahaha yeah.................I am so full of shit!  Trust me, there's NOBODY watching me over in my corner shuffling my feet back and forth to the beat of the music.  But hey, at least my beat is ON BEAT. 


I love to people watch too.  That's what I always do.  Everywhere.  We saw this guy that had a H-U-G-E belt buckle.  You know what they say about big belt buckles, right?  *wink wink*  (The bigger the belt buckle, the bigger the belt buckle) Uh huh, it's a true story. 


Got a drink or two down and finally some good music started playing.  It was a fun time.  There were about a hundred people there all dressed in eighties clothing.  Shit, it was almost like going to a high school dance except for the  gray hair.  Ha!  One couple really did have all gray.  They were probably eighty years old but let me tell you................granny CAN dance!!


My favorite part of going to Funky Town is the "Car Wash."  When they play that song, the place comes alive.  You know those things in the car wash that go up and down the sides of your car, throwing huge pieces of material up against the car as they spin...............I can't think what they are called.  Anyway, those came to life and started spinning; bubbles flying through the air...............everybody on the dance floor because THIS, my friend, is why we're here!  

We saw the best of the best dancers.  We saw the worst of the worst dancers.  We saw the best of the worst and the worst of the best.  So many types of people all under one roof with a common goal.  Dancing.  Dancing our hearts out.  Dancing until the sweat is dripping off of us like we just got out of the shower..........with our clothes on.  Towards the end of the night though, the desperation set in for many.  People groping people of all ages.  The good, the bad and even the ugly.  The girls that you can see it in their eyes, they want someone to go home with, trying to dance with other girls to get some positive attention; or badly grinding up against someone who really has the moves.  


I'm not a hundred percent sure because I haven't done enough research on this subject BUT I'm betting that JUST BECAUSE someone can dance good, doesn't mean they're good in bed.  And vice versa.  People need to keep that in mind.  Gawd, I'm glad I'm not single.  You poor fuckers.  Hahaha


I watched this overly drunk girl trying to grind on this beautiful man that had more moves than Michael Jackson.  He danced with her but that's it.  When he would twist and slide, he wouldn't even look at her.  She just kept looking at him with stars in her eyes.  At the end of the song, he just walks off.  I got to laughing.  I know.........not nice.  She just made herself look so stupid with someone who was obviously in love with dancing and the way HIS OWN body was moving.  I could've called that one from the beginning.  


Here's a dilemma I always have when I am dancing.  The YMCA.  I never know which way to turn my "C."  It drives me fucking bananas!!  And I go through this same ordeal each and every damned time I dance to this song.  I make sure I am dancing beside someone that I can watch how they do it.  Kinda hard to do that without craning my neck out as I'm doing it.  And cripes, I don't want everybody knowing that I'm an incompetent oaf.  So then I look at someone in front of me.  Here's my problem.  I talk to myself (in my head, don't panic) about how to make my "C" opposite of theirs if they're facing me and then I start doubting myself because I don't know what the person NEXT to me is doing.  So I try to find someone ahead of me that is facing the same direction as me and then I do what they do.  


I have had so much mental psychology done on myself by the end of that song, I am worn the fuck out!  I think I will just stop dancing to it.  It's so much extra work!  The girls told me "Who cares?  Just do whatever!"  Obviously they don't have any OCD in their lives.  Or not enough.  Lucky bitches.


So over the course of the night, Lulu would buy beer, take a drink and then go dance.  When she came back, her beer was gone.  Disappeared.  Nada.  Nil.  Nyet.  NO BEER.  Took her two beers to learn this process.  I bet it doesn't happen again!  So the beer gods were against her getting drunk.  Or someone sitting near us anyway. Matilda and I barely even drank.  Of course we don't go there to drink.  We go there to dance. 


Pammy, now she was funny.  She had several to drink.  Several.  When she went up for her last drink, Matilda told her that she was definitely not driving and she replies "Why?  I am ok to drink."  Thanks Pammy, for answering your own question!!  Hahaha.  On the way out to the car, Pammy says "They don't put very much *hiccup* alcohol in their *hiccup* drinks."  Yes, she hiccuped twice in one sentence.


She was quite funny on the way home too.  She told the driver that there were DWI check points by her house and the driver freaked out.  I don't know why, SHE wasn't going to get in trouble!  She was our DD!  Pammy almost vomited on the way home.  In her own car.  Now that would've been a funny video!  Oh yes, I would have taped it!!  When we thought she was going to vomit, we gave her our two "cowboy boot" glasses that they served dacquiries in.  Don't worry, we didn't steal them.  I think they were trying to get rid of them!  They are U-G-L-Y.  She never threw up though.  Good thing cuz I hate the sound and smell of vomit.  GAG.


There is a "Donahoo" exit over on her side of town.  We had a discussion about it.  Pammy calls it "Donna-ho," while I say "Donna-who."  What do you think it is?  Of course Matilda and Lulu wouldn't say because they "don't know."  As we're going down Donahoo though, Pammy says "Did you see that deer??"  The driver immediately lets off the gas and starts to stop in the middle of the road saying "NO!"  Pammy didn't see one either!  Hahahahaha too damned funny right there!


We made it back to Pammy's safe and sound and it wasn't long before we were all piled into our bunks for the night.  Me and the two girls on the basement floor, nestled snug in our blankets.  This is just the first of two, maybe three blogs to cover the weekend.  Pammy says I make them too long.  Too bad.  Take vacation time.  My blogs are important dammit!


Until next time!  Keep yer pants on!!