Calling all cooks..............good ones please

I have the hiccups.  And they SUCK.  This is actually twice today I've had them and they suck worse each time.  I thought if I got my mind off of them maybe they'd go away.  We'll see if that works.  


I took my pretty blue case off my phone yesterday.  It seems I'm the only one in the workplace that can't get very good signal inside the building.  I had high hopes that by taking that off, I would miraculously get better signal in there.  Yeah.....I know.  You don't have to say it.  I'm also one of those people that hold the phone up to the sky when signal is low in hopes a wave of signal will come take my text and deliver it.  Hey, it usually works.  


As you can guess, it didn't help my signal one lousy bit.  Irritates me.  Everybody says "why don't you just change providers?"  Sure!  And while I'm at it, I'll just change satellite companies, gas companies and utility providers!!  Why the hell should I have to change providers to get good coverage?  Fuck it, I'm stubborn.  I'll work without a good signal.  Hell, it'll do me good to not have my phone on me at work.  Can't text while I'm booking in those bad guys anyway, can I?  Nope!!


*sigh* Good thing I have my Kindle Fire with Mobile Hotspot!  Hahaha!  No, in all seriousness, I do take my Fire to work with me and sometimes.....and I mean RARELY, I turn it on and use it.  I have high hopes of reading a lot of books at work but all those fucken prisoners and bosses get in my way.  What the fuck people!?!  Can't you see I'm reading here???  Yeah.....it's true.  They expect me to actually WORK while I'm there.  The nerve of those bastards.


So now that I don't have my case on my phone anymore, I am so afraid of dropping it.  And the screen is so fricken touchy it pisses me off in thirteen colors.  I talk-to-text so I don't have to use my thumbs and risk dropping it if I'm walking around.  So if you get a text from me and it says something like "I was just raped by a gang of formidable mosquitoes," you know why.  Stupid smart phone can't fucking hear what I am clearly saying.  Next thing you know it'll need a hearing aid.  I guess that's what I get for laughing at Viv's smartphone.  


A friend of mine recently dropped her phone in the toilet.  What a shitty day.  Pun intended.  I will take applause.  *bows*  She was carrying it in her back pocket and yep, when she dropped the drawers, she dropped the call!  Talk about a bad day!  And her phone..............is an expensive phone!  Hope she had insurance on that baby!  


I am terrible with phones.  I always do something to fuck mine up.  One phone I dropped in the snow.  The first night I had it.  I immediately plucked that thing up but it was too late.  Snow got in.  I took the battery out and put it in rice.  I didn't WANT to but I did.  What I WANTED to do was text everybody on the planet and say "hey, I got a new phone.  Do you like it?  Oh yeah, and this is my new phone number."  But NOOOOOOO!!  I had to put MY new phone in fucking rice!  That about killed me.  


I had an awesome pink flip phone.  Forgot to take it out of my glove box while working in Wichita, KS.............*sigh* this also was the very first day I had it.......................and went out on my break for a phone call and cigarette and both were stolen.  MOTHER FUCKERS!!  They took my cigarettes!  I.  Was.  Furious!!  Do you know how much cigarettes cost?  Anyway, I drove right back to Sprint and told them to give me a new phone.  Yeah, that cost me.  Sonnabitches.  I never found out who took it but I did find out all they had had time to do on it was look at the internet for a few minutes.  Haha stoopids.


I figure if I can get past the initial twenty four hours with any new phone, I'm good to go.  I'm safe.    Except for the fact that I have since then, let one touch screen phone slide off my dash and into a whole glass of water.  Yep.  They sent me another one.  In a different color.  That wasn't very fun.  Waited until I was out of contract and then got me a Blackberry.


Very very proud of my Blackberry.  I coddled it.  I would shine it.  I showed it off to everyone.  And then my nephews got me with a water balloon................or six at a family reunion and so much for that.  SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!  I got my Blackberry.....the first one.....in May.  I got my new Blackberry.....yeah, the replacement.....in July.  Geezus H Kraft Macaroni and Cheese!  I'm a mess with phones!  And I'm not even going to say that I'm not with this phone.  Although nothing has happened YET........................except for that one time I dropped it in the parking lot on girls weekend away.........................it's only a matter of time.  I love my HTC and I don't want it hurt.  We'll see how long this lasts.  -_-


Psssssttttt..............Vivian is on another page RIGHT NOW, trying to distract me.  She's talking about books.  If I misspell anything from here on out tonight, it's HER fault.  She's such a sneak.  I love books.  I love reading.  Until I don't.  When I stop loving it, I don't love it anymore.  And I get in those moods sometimes.  Right now is not one of those moods.  I love books like a diabetic loves carbohydrates!!  Yeah buddy!!


Back to my phone blog.  Isn't it funny how we love our phones?  We can't leave the house without them.  Some of us....................ahem..............take theirs to the bathroom with them.  Lamers!!  *cough* I know someone who used to be like that.  Took their phone with them to the bathroom.  But then she got over that.  I also know someone else who should have learned to not take her phone to the bathroom!  Bahaha that's the gal that lost it in the toilet.  Honey, that's what purses are for!  God had a plan when he invented those!!


I actually am enjoying the fact that I can't talk on my phone at work.  Sometimes it will ring in but I know, without a doubt, if i answer it, nobody can hear me.  Silence is golden.  It truly is.  I like knowing that the only way someone can get a hold of me is to #1-WAIT until I'm off work, #2-call me on my work phone (and nobody will do that or I will tell them they are getting me in trouble even if they aren't), #3-leave a VOICEMAIL and hope that I get back to them, OR #4-text me.  I suppose if you wanted to be resourceful, you could go for #5 and come to my workplace to see me but then you risk the chance of me having to embarrass you in front of ALL my co-workers as I tell you that you are getting me in trouble by coming there.  Hahaha yes, silence is truly golden my friends.


So it's funny to me that we love the idea of shutting our phones off and muting the technological world as if duct taping the mouths of thousands but in return, it about paralyzes us when we accidentally kill our phones.  Like we just ran over a family member.  (In-laws are NOT considered family members, right?)  Ahem...................that's another blog.


In closing, I am going to share a secret with you.  I made a loin steak for dinner tonight.  It's gorgeous.  Pork loin with dressing and spices rolled up inside of it and green onions garnishing the top and bacon wrapped around them.  Ahhhhh I did good.  Ok ok, Fareway did good.  Yes.....I bought them.  Who the hell has time to do this?  I can't miss my naps!!  I purchased them, brought them home and laid them out beautifully in a dish to put in the oven when Gee was on his way home from work.  And I did.  


Before I go any further, I would like to add that I no longer have the hiccups and don't even know how long I have not had them.  I guess that whole "getting my mind off of them" thing actually does work!  Crazy!!


So................I just went in to get them out of the oven because my timer was driving even the neighbors crazy and I couldn't believe how beautiful they still were.  I mean they were PERFECT!!  In every way!!  And then I realized.......................they are wrapped in fucking plastic.  Yes, I cooked them in the fucking plastic wrap.  Well no fucking wonder they are so perfect looking!!  DUH DUH AND OH EM GEE DUH!!  It's a wonder I am even allowed out on the streets alone.  


Doesn't it make you feel safe to know that sometimes this county is in MY hands?  Hahahahaha  Good night and good luck!!