Let's talk about.................crap

Do you talk in your sleep?  Well, I guess I should ask if anyone has ever told you that you talk in your sleep.  I have caught myself talking in my sleep before. My brother used to tease me and told me that Matilda and I were fighting over a boy (my brother's friend) in our sleep.  She was at one end of the hallway and I was at the other.  In our own rooms.  I don't believe that for a second but it's a good story.

Gee has talked in his sleep since I've known him.  And I've had some of the funniest conversations with him too!  The other night we were laying in bed talking and then we kinda just let the whole conversation fizzle out.  He was just laying there (as far as I knew) and I was just laying there.  I was picking apart everything we had just talked about (like I always do) looking for spare parts.  After about ten minutes of silence, I said "Are you asleep.............already?"  No answer.  "Gee?"
He slowly rolls his head my direction.  "Yessss dear."
And I knew he was already asleep just by the way he slurred his words.  (No, he wasn't drunk, I promise)
So I jump in with both feet.  The water was cold but it was fun!  "What are you saying yes to?"
His body language, which consisted of him trying to turn his head like he was awake told me that he was already irritated.
 I rub my hands together and get ready for some laughs.  Ok ok not really but in a literal sense, ok???  Geezus you're a tough crowd today!
"Yes to your question."  His head goes back down.
"What was my question?"
Head is back up but now he won't even try to turn it like he's looking my way.  "I know what it was."  Head down.
"So what was it then? Because honestly, we haven't even spoken for like ten minutes."
Head came up pretty fast that time and he tried to turn it toward me but I think it was stuck.  That sudden movement must have paralyzed him.  "We haven't?"
"No, we haven't."  Here comes that laughter.  It's coming from deep inside.  I can't control it. "Hahahahahahaha!"
"I think you're just trying to confuse me!" And his head went down and it stayed there the rest of the night as far as I know.

Funny stuff.  Not the funniest and I wish I had been writing all these down because I could make a MINT off of some of the shit that comes out of his mouth.  One night he was running from some animal he was hunting.  I don't remember quite how that one goes but I remember he kept trying to move his legs and I asked him if he was alright.  Don't want the man to have some kind of heart attack and not figure it out until morning when he's stiff BECAUSE he's dead!  He told me that he needed to get out of the way because that animal was coming for him.  I asked him what animal that was and all I could get out of him was the one he was hunting.  Sometimes it's really hard to understand what he's saying.

And sometimes he whispers.  I hate it when I can't hear what he's saying.  I could turn the fan off but he would wake up then.  Sometimes I ask him what his girlfriend thinks about things or why she doesn't help with the housework when she's here but I can't get it out of him.  He tells me (when he's asleep) that he doesn't have a girlfriend because he has a good wife.  Now.....when he's awake, it's a different story.  He tells me that his girlfriend is too busy "servicing" him to clean.  I know better.  If she was "servicing" him, there would be newer dirty dishes on his table by his chair.  Ha!  I know what turns that man on!

One time that really stands out to me.  We were just new at living together and he worked for an electrician. A piss poor fucking electrician but electrician all the same.  Don't get me started on THAT guy.  Douche bag America.  Anyway.......  He was asleep and I couldn't sleep.  I shook him and said "Hey, do you wanna have sex?"
He didn't even flinch.  "We can't."
I looked around for a rule book but I'll be damned if I could find one.  I kept asking myself if we had made some kind of pact where we couldn't have it more than four times a night or what that was all about but then realized "OHHHH he doesn't have a clue!"
"Why can't we have sex?"  Still no movement from his side of the bed.
"Because we didn't get a permit."
My eyes shot open wide!  OH SHIT, I HAVE BEEN DOING IT WRONG FOR YEARS!!  "Why do we need a permit Gee?"
*Intermission*
Even if he WAS dreaming about doing electrical work, shouldn't he AT LEAST move his body in some fashion?  I mean, a lot of times he uses his hands when he talks so why not this time???  Why does he have to lay there like a freaking bump on a log?  If I didn't know it was HIM speaking to me, I could've taken him for dead!
*Curtain is back up* 
 "Because the city won't let us do it until we have a permit."
(How was I to know that they were wanting to do a job that the city was involved in???)
Well I'll be jiggered!  I REALLY HAVE BEEN DOING IT WRONG ALL THESE YEARS!!  It's really hard to NOT laugh at shit like this but when I do, he wakes up and realizes that I have probably been fucking with him and he's kind of an asshole when he's woken up early.  Go figure.

So that's the kind of fun I have when my husband is restlessly sleeping.  Or not-so-restlessly sleeping.  I wish I could remember some more of the really good conversations.  I know there are heaps more.  These are just the ones that stand out.  I told him that if I EVER heard him say another man's name in his sleep, I would wake him up in a fashion that he won't like (cold glass of water).  The reason I say another MAN'S name is because at one point in our lives together, he was spending WAY more time with his bestie than he was ME and I did NOT like it!  Now I could care less!  Shoo fly, shoo!

I have tried to get him to talk about other women in his sleep.  Like his nasty fucking ex.  But he won't have it.  His sub-conscious doesn't even like her.  Good boy.

Man, all this excitement has made me hungry.  I just fixed a mini bag of popcorn.  As I was putting it in the microwave, a fly tried to get in there.  Ughhhh, does anyone remember that movie "The Fly?"  Good movie but I don't need a fly meta-morphed into a flying bag of goodness that I want to eat.  It's just not right.

This morning I went to C-town and did laundry for my dirty old man friend.  To clarify, he's not a dirty old man in the sense that my friend Mick is a dirty old man.  This dirty old man is just that; a dirty old man.  Ok, older man.  I have to be fair.  He doesn't really have the mental capacity to know HOW to do regular things around the home BUT his family doesn't want to be the "bad guys" and put him in a facility where he needs to be so they recently moved him into an apartment of his own.

By recently, I mean in January.  Yeah.....and I just found out about this.  I had been doing this man's laundry up to the end of last year and thought it was weird that he hadn't called me.  Hell, I saw him once at the hundred dollar store since January and he told me that he was getting ready to move as soon as he got the ok from the office.  What the fuck dude, you were already moved?  See what I mean about him needing to be in a facility?  He forgets what's real life and whats not.  It's too bad too because deep down, he's a really nice guy.

His mom was a client of mine when I did home health care.  I fell in love with her and when we could do no more for her and she kept trying to do things she shouldn't and fell out of her wheelchair all the time, her family had to put her in the nursing home.  Best thing they could've done for her.  I try to go see her as much as I can (which is never enough when you're stuck in the nursing home).  This woman is amazing to me.  Worked hard all her life and because one pig (the animal, not what most would call the cops) decided it didn't want to do what she needed it to do, it nearly broke her hip and she was never the same again.

The point I am trying to make is that I promised her that I would help look out for her son.  And I can't go back on that.  I love her too much.  Anyway, I could go on about her the rest of the day.   Like I said, really nice guy.  But when he doesn't understand something, he thinks he's being attacked.  I have had to go head-to-head with him before and I do NOT back down from him.  I think that's why he likes me.  He is a B-I-G man.  We're talking the body size of a small truck but the mentality of a gnat.  It really is sad.  So he finally calls me and asks me to come do his laundry.  This was on Sunday.  I told him I would call him on Tuesday afternoon and tell him what time I would be there on Wednesday.

Monday after work, he calls me again and asks me what time I am coming tomorrow.  I told him that I wasn't coming tomorrow because I have to work.  He sounds all depressed and says "oh."  Now, to clarify again, he wasn't depressed because "I" wasn't coming.  He was depressed because someone has told him he stinks and he knows he better get his clothes washed or they will tell him to not come to the nursing home until he smells better.  Or nobody will sit on the bench with him at the hundred dollar store.  Yes, that's the man.  And yes, he stinks.  To the High Heavens he stinks.  And this folks, is why I wash my clothes EVERY time I wear them.  We sweat in our clothes.  Some people shit in their clothes.  Yeah, it's true.  He's done it all.

But in his defense, he really doesn't know what the hell to do in extreme situations.  He called me once and was all worked up because he had been driving home from the hundred dollar store and needed to shit.  He could feel it working itself out.  He just gets home and runs in (as much as he CAN run) and shits his pants before he gets to the bathroom.  He honest-to-goodness didn't know WHAT to do at that point.  Other than go take his pants off and finish shitting in the toilet.  I told him to calm down and take his overalls (and he doesn't wear underwear either, to make matters worse) and put them in some cold water and just let them soak all night.  He still lived at the farm at this time and they didn't have any laundry facilities there.  I told him to wring them out (I had to explain that and it wasn't so easy) the next morning and then take them outside and hang them on the line and I would deal with them when I got there.

See, I can be nice when I want to be.  He JUST called me.  Wow, his spidey sense must have been SPOT ON this afternoon!!  He wanted me to know he got a key to his apartment made for me.  Nice gesture.  He knows that from now on, I WILL be cleaning while waiting for laundry (whether he wants me to or not) and if he's not there (how convenient), I can still get in.  See............nice guy.

Shit, I hope I didn't forget where this story was leading...........................

This man is addicted to porn.  I shit you not.  I wonder if he can even reach his penis.  I aint asking cuz I don't really fucken wanna see!  Every extra dime he has is spent on porn at the pawn shop.  I wish that jackass at the pawn shop would stop selling that shit to him.  Everyone knows he's not mentally right.  The fuckers just see his money though.  Too bad.

So about this phone call, yeah.....that's where I was going.  I told him that I wasn't coming on Tuesday; that I said I would call him on Tuesday afternoon and discuss what time I would be down on Wednesday.  Ok, he's got it now.  We hang up and life goes on.

Tuesday morning, I am going into work and my phone rings.  It is him.  SHIT, really??  I answer it.
"What time are you coming down?"
 Operation evaporation is starting to take place.  "I am not coming today.  I told you that I would call you Tuesday AFTERNOON and tell you when I was coming down on WEDNESDAY morning.  This is only Tuesday morning."
 Breathe.  Count to ten.  Wait, what is he saying? Stop talking to yourself dammit!!
"Oh ok, I will see you tomorrow then."
If this phone wasn't so expensive, I would have thrown it.  "No, I will call you tonight around four thirty when I get home and tell you what time I am coming down."
He assures me he's got it this time.  I go to work and have THEE most boring day of my month and run some errands (the wasps, the recyclables, yada yada yada) and forget to call him.  OH YES I DID!  After all that, I forget!!
Don't worry.  He called me about five thirty.
"Hi, sorry I got busy and totally forgot to call you.  I am really really sorry!"
"Oh that's ok, I totally understand.  We are all busy.  (See, how can you not like this guy?) "What time will you be down in the morning?"
Ahhhh he's finally got it!  "Seven thirty, see you then!"

All's well that ends well!  No shitty pants to report.  His apartment is adorable.  Now if I can JUST get him to BATHE on a daily basis.  Any suggestions?  And remember.....I'm NOT getting in the shower with him!!  I would, however, show him how to shower if he's willing to let me be in there when he does it.  I DID have to teach the man how to use deodorant.  He was always afraid to use it because he didn't know how.  He does have a BIT of pride though and I don't know how that would go over but JUST talking to him about it doesn't do much good.  I wonder if I should take Gee down (they know each other) and have him "teach" him to shower?  I don't know.  I'm at my wit's end on this one.  I've got to do SOMETHING though.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

And now, I will let your eyes rest, your brain wander.....or wonder, whichever is appropriate after reading this far..............and your body relax.  Until next time.  I will sign off with this bit of wisdom, if you are planning on visiting the Windsor in C-town anytime soon and you need to use the women's restroom, ONLY the "automated" sink on the left works and the "automated" paper towels won't disperse until it thinks you are walking away from it.  By the time I had tried to walk away twice, my hands were already fucking dry.  Assholes.